mt headed things: If You Are Calling To..
If you are calling to talk to a machine, press 1. If you are calling to listen to a bunch of options that are sort of close to what you're calling about, press 2. If you are calling to begin your 2 hour wait on the phone, press 3. If you are calling because you have the misfortune of having to deal with our company and our god-awful automated system, press 4. If you live in the state of Florida, hang up and dial 444-4444-4444444-444. If you are having a panic attack because you feel like this whole endeavor is an exercise in futility, press Zartan. If you are calling to wish your local congressman a happy birthday, please call your mom. If you are calling to order a pizza, press MMM PIZZA. If you are calling because there is an invisible man sleeping in your bed, call Ghost Busters. If you are calling because you cannot breathe and you need immediate medical attention, press S-O-L. If you are a Nazi, press 5. If you like Briefs over Boxers, press what's a matter you don't like to let your little man breathe?. If you are calling to talk to a human, hang up and dial again. If you would like to hear these options again, try remembering better next time.