Let me open by congratulating everyone who exhibited great judgment in reading this article. Especially, I would like to thank President Obama, and all the other men and women across this great country, whom I’ve sent this email to.
Everybody’s always talking about this apparent economic downswing we’re in. Some have even used the word: depression. Well, that’s just depressing.
In recent months, I can’t tell you how many people have turned to me for the answer to this problem. I always respond with the reflexive, “Well, it’s complicated.”
Well, maybe it isn’t.
I know what you’re probably thinking. And you’re probably right. But why don’t you stick around and hear me out anyway. Just for a moment, consider the benefits.
Cannibalism Benefit 1: No more starving or useless people
Part of the problem with this economy is there are simply too many people around. I mean, look at all the people. They’re everywhere. Most of them aren’t even doing anything. There aren’t enough jobs to go around. And, worldwide, there are too many folks starving. Well, what if we ate some of those folks? I mean it brings a serious tear to my eye when I see all the people in the shelters and unemployment lines. What if we ate some of them, too? I’m almost certain you would see an immediate turn around. Sure, they might just be ducking out because they’re afraid of being eaten. Either way, there wouldn’t be so many people suffering.
Cannibalism Benefit 2: A chance to get rid of Ted Nugent
Ted Nugent, bless his heart, is a staunch second amendment advocate and hunting fanatic. He insists on only eating what he kills. Well, why don’t we eat him? I mean he hasn’t had a hit in a while anyway. Plus it would cure him of that horrible cat scratch fever he’s got. He’s had that disease since the 70’s and he’s still singing about it at every show. If you ask me, he would probably welcome the idea. Kind of like Brando’s Colonel Kurtz in Apocalypse Now, maybe he’s just sick of being a freak.
Cannibalism Benefit 3: Golf
I hate Golf. We could eat all those people. They’re rich and dress like ignoramuses anyway. I’m sure, if you put it to a group of people who we should eat first, they would insist on golfers. Who are these people anyway? Grown men who spend way too much time on these beautifully manicured greens, whacking a little white ball around like they’re completely insane. Why do we tolerate this behavior? Where else in society do we condone this sort of idiocy? This sort of activity should be reserved for third world homeless children, not rich white guys. Everybody always tells me golf is a legitimate sport. If I had my head screwed on right, I would have eaten those people right on the spot.
One time I saw this one golfer throw his driver a good fifty feet after slicing a ball into the rough. He was shooting his mouth off like a crazed lunatic and when he turned to look at the people watching, everyone tried not to make eye contact with him. In a case like this, I think the humane thing would have been to eat him. What else are we supposed to do with a person that gets so wrapped up in a silly game like golf?
Cannibalism Benefit 4: A new fare
As an avid eater of meat and things, I’m often perplexed by the limitations of most menus. Clearly, there must be more beyond beef and chicken. I don’t like fish. And pork is a dietary no no with so many religious people. So, what if there were people on the menu? Imagine all the new dishes we could choose from. And in some cases, we could even get really descriptive and say, for instance, “This is a real delectable cut of a Brazilian homeless woman. Delicious! We glazed her in a fine burgundy sauce and sprinkled her with capers and whatever else we could find” or “How ‘bout a leg from an exquisite golfer with a modest handicap? We marinated him in a fresh ginger sauce and roasted him to perfection. Comes with a side of potato wedges carved in various golf club sizes.”
The Lone Detriment to Cannibalism: It might be wrong
I just came back from church, where we all took communion. Eerie, huh? Right as I was about to partake of the blood and body of Christ, the pastor said a prayer about everything we consume being holy and glorifying to the name of God. He went on, extrapolating this into all aspects of our lives; movies, music, TV…it got to be kind of a long prayer. And I was thinking, maybe eating people isn’t the solution to our economic problems. At least not unholy people. If we have to eat anybody, maybe we should limit it to holy people. Nuns and things like that. I guess anybody would be considered holy if we could get a priest or rabbi to bless him or her before we ate them. Just not pork. That stuff’s evil.
The bear-bones truth of the matter
Sure, cannibalism would solve all our problems but apparently it is wrong. I mean, if you watch the Hannibal Lecter movies, not once is there a happy montage about Hannibal cooking up people. I think, down deep, Hannibal knows he’s being wrong. Maybe down deep, all people who eat people know it’s wrong. Just like I know it’s wrong to eat frozen custard, but man that stuff is GOOD!
So, in closing. Let me make it abundantly clear. I’m sorry, Mr. President, and to all the American people I’ve sent this email to, and everyone else, too, but we’re just gonna have to keep looking for alternative solutions to this economic depression. Every time there’s a crisis, we can’t just fall back on cannibalism. We have to dig deeper. Until we hit bone. There simply has to be another way. Perhaps, blowing up all the banks or a mass assisted suicide on Wall Street, Kevorkian-style, would do the trick. I’m not sure. Admittedly, I don’t have all the answers. This one’s a doozy. And eating Ted Nugent, for all the good it would do, can’t be the best solution.